And Nothing Is Real

Today is national unfriend day, so I thought I’d post my Top Ten reasons NOT to unfriend me:

10. I sometimes wear a monster mask.

9. My son and I both wear stylish goatees:

8. I do NOT post pictures of my penis, unlike some prominent sports figures COUGH:brettfarve:COUGH

7. I smell nice:

6. The infrequency of my tweets and facebook posts is matched only by my apathy, so you can rest assured you won’t be bombarded by a constant barrage of useless drivel (oooh, i had pancakes for breakfast. mmmm yummm).

4. My past history of excessive alcohol consumption has not impaired my ability to count. Or speell.

3. 9 out of 10 dentists recommend my music during a root canal, and choosy mothers choose me (not that cheap slut Jif).

2. I make stupid movies of my pet fish, mini docu/dramas that I narrate with a phony French accent.

And finally, my number one reason to not unfriend me:

1. I give away tons of free music!

And here is a bonus reason, which brings the total to 12 (see #4 above): Why would you do anything this guy tells you to do?